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Champaign-Urbana Celebrates the 4th with a Little Help from(Capt.) Corporate America
July 4, 2001 (URBANA) It was a beautiful day, wonderously void of the hanging Illinois heat and humidity that residents have come to expect on a July day. Ready to face the patriotic citizens of Champaign-Urbana, Captain Corporate America, superhero for the corporate citizens of America, prepared himself for the twin-cities' annual parade in celebration of our (coporate) freedoms.
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After changing out of his secret identity--a mild-mannered
computer illustrator and folk singer--Capt. Corporate America donned
his familiar dollar signs and stripes. Before heading out to the
parade, he first saluted his Corporate American Flag™, to remind
himself of the values he fights so valiantly to defend.
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As with most parades, there's a lot of "hurry up and wait," even for the most well-connected superhero. But then, who should Capt. Corporate Amercia see but his old friend Rep. Tim Johnson. The Captain knew Rep. Johnson well from all those years the good Rep. spent in the Illinois Legislature. Newly elected to the U.S. House, Rep. Johnson now enjoys an even closer relationship with (Capt.) Corporate America. Well known for spending lots of quality time with his constituents, Johnson even took a moment out of his day to pose for a picture. |
| Roller Blades™ securely strapped to his feet, when his number was called Capt. Corporate America wheeled into action, ready to give the good people of Champaign-Urbana a dose of what they've come to love. |
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Easily parched on a warm July day and eager to show off his finely tuned palate, along the route Capt. Corporate America spotted a Pepsi Challenge™ booth. He stepped up to show that, high-fructose corn sweetener aside, a duopoly is a diversity, and he knows the choice of Generation Next™ when he tastes it. Children watched, mouths agape, as the Captain demonstrated the power of choice in the American soda-pop marketplace. Look out Britney! |
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Old folks, odd folks, children and adults alike cheered on as Capt. Corporate America sped down the parade route, bringing his message celebrating the defense of corporate freedom to the masses. Every now and then you could hear a startled onlooker gasp, and then yell, "Go Money Guy!" Or, more sadly, there grew a contingent of spectators who rejected the good Captain's message, shouting out a hearty "Boo!" Although stoic and strong, you could almost see Capt. Corporate America shed a tear for those good Americans who don't understand that America is Corporate America, and a love for the former is a love for the latter. |
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No 4th of July celebration would be complete without some good eats. Lucky for the people of Champaign-Urbana, the Domino's Pizza™ Guy was on-hand to serve up hot-gooey rBGH-enhanced mozzarella layered Domino's Pizza™ to the hungry crowd. Of course, the Domino's Guy is never too busy to take a moment out to talk to his friend and defender, Capt. Corporate America. |
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Capt. Corporate America is mighty powerful, but he knows who's the law, and he wants them on his side. When the going gets tough, the smart corporate superhero calls the cops, who are trained and skilled in the fine art of protecting property and capital. Why, Capt. Corporate America pays some of his taxes too! The fine officers of the Illinois State Police recognized Capt.
Corporate America immediately, and were more than glad to pose for
this photo opportunity they'll be proud to show future generations
of State Police. |
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Exhausted after a hard afternoon of celebrating his corporate freedom, Capt. Corporate America was too tired to Roller Blade™ home. Without his car keys, he was faced with the most awful superhero indignity: public transportation. Hours later, he realized that the busses don't run on this route on July 4--it costs too much to pay bus drivers holiday pay. Tired, sore, and just a little humbled, Capt. Corporate America was nonetheless buoyed by the public's overwhelming love and gratitude for the wonders of modern American capitalism that he helps to bring them. We hope he made it home safely. |
